Testimony

 I've felt compelled for the past several months to share my testimony of the last year or so. I don't know how long this will be so here it goes.

A year ago I couldn't wait to be where I am now. I couldn't wait to be at a place where I could say "I've made it." I swore once I got my degree - then I'd be happy. Once I did this or once I did that - then is when I'd be happy. Growing up, I always believed in God but I looked at God as a genie without even realizing it. I prayed at night before bed that God would keep my family safe and that was it. That was my relationship with God. I always looked at other people who had these big testimonies. These people that had terrible things happen to them but overcame them or these people who overcame the odds and saw God in the midst of it all. I was always sort of jealous because I didn't have a testimony like that. Mine was that I believed in God since I was 10 and that's where it ended.

 I thought that the year 2023 was going to be my year. Finishing undergrad, starting grad school, surely this is when life was gonna get "good." What I failed to realize though was that life was at its peak in the mundane. In the moments that led up to the accomplishment - not solely in the accomplishment. Life was "good" in the journey just as much as in when I reached the destination if not better. I learned that pretty quickly when everything happened with mom.

A lot of you that know me personally know everything has transpired a few months ago. I was all set to start Graduate school on August 28. This is when I was going to be happy - right? If you know me then you know my mom is my best friend. There's no one else on this earth that "gets" me like she does. Well. Mom got diagnosed with cancer weeks before school. My first day of SFA was the same day that I spent the night with her in the hospital. For the next several weeks following that I was still traumatized. I knew she was now "okay" but my subconscious mind was in panic mode. I couldn't focus on school. I've always had terrible anxiety and the situation just exacerbated it. I was frozen in fear. I got to the point where I cried hourly and had multiple panic attacks daily. I would shake uncontrollably and think I was about to pass out. It wasn't a great time.

I'm a perfectionist so when school wasn't working out - there went my "happiness." I wanted so desperately to drop out. Daily I cried. I fell into a deep depression. Deeper than anyone knows except for me and God. I made a "D" on my first paper and I thought that was the end of the world. I couldn't get my mind to think. I prayed to God daily and that's where my strength has came from. All my life Ive never been confident in myself - my true self - so I've put on a mask and tried to seem perfect. Ive tried to be what I thought everybody wanted me to be. I lost myself a long time ago and I'm slowly finding myself again. I'm learning what "joy" is and how it's a thousand times better than "happiness." You see, happiness is when everything is going your way. Happiness is when the sky is blue, the weather's great, you're doing good in your job, youre making the grades, you have a ton of money in the bank. True joy is when you have what may seem like nothing while really having everything. Growing up, I had a lot of people doubt that I would ever do anything great with my life. I thought I'd "prove it to them" by going to college. I did that. I made all As. This is when I started getting cocky. (Bad idea). So then, I decided to really put it to them, I'd go to grad school. Because they really care right? Everyone's just focused on me right? Yeah.. no. This is when I learned a lot of hard lessons. God doesn't care about your titles, roles, positions, and how great you think you are. He'll show you that real quick. I'll be honest, these past few months have been the hardest months of my life.. but it's also when I've felt the most close to God. I'm no longer leaning on my ways or my understanding. I'm leaning on God's - because His is higher than mine. I've had so many people tell me "whether or not you finish this degree, writing is your true calling," and I know they're right. I love the field I have chosen though - but at the end of the day I can empower people, advocate for people, and "help" them all I can - if they don't know Jesus then they're lost. I myself am imperfect so I cannot ultimately help anyone find their true purpose - that's their job. That's something that they have to do. I don't view things the same way I did months ago. I wasn't put on this earth to be the most successful, decorated person there is. I was put here to be a light in a dark world. A light that may only be seen by a few - but as long as it's seen somewhere - I've done what I was called to do. I threw my pride in the trash somewhere between August - November. Im not that same girl that treated God like a genie. I have a testimony now. I have a true purpose now. I feel alive now. I'm "happy" in the midst of chaos and content in the worst of times. Im not saying any of this to show that I, me, Madison am strong. I'm saying these things because I'm weak. I fall short. Ive done things for the wrong reason. I chose to go on a path and the foundation was not strong. God has helped me build my foundation from the ground up.

To my church family, y'all have had to hear me complain for the past several months (lol!) but God has been working behind the scenes more than you even know. Ive put on a smile and a brave face but for months I was so depressed. I didn't know what God was doing but I see that He was more concerned with building my character than He was in making me "happy." 

So often, we chase things so that other people will see and say "wow - look at them! They're so great, yada yada yada." We are but a vapor. We're lucky if we get 80 years here. Let's make the years (that we aren't even guaranteed to get) count. Let's go out and be the light. I'm not a perfect Christian, a perfect daughter, a perfect anything. I just know that I know that I know that God will take what is broken and then it into something beautiful. He'll take that ugly thing in your life and then it around. He'll take what you think is messy and will use it to give Him glory. I sat there and watched mom go through that traumatic experience and how it brought her closer to God. He doesn't want perfect - He just wants YOU. 

The world is a dark place. It doesn't need more successful people, it needs more genuine people. More people that aren't willing to throw in the towel just because "well, things aren't going back to normal and the world is crazy so why even try?" I would go as far to say that if you call yourself a Christian and aren't actively caring about people and sharing the Good News with others - you're just wanting a get out of hell free card. You know the truth but you don't like that we are called to act. People need people that care enough about them that they'll tell them the truth - even if they don't wanna hear it at first. 

If you've read this far, I'm surprised. 🤣 A few months ago I would have never posted all this but like I said - I threw the pride away when I realized that is what was sucking the life out of me. You should try it - it takes a whole lot off your shoulders! Let's start being real with one another - if we're going through a crappy time in our life, let's lean on one another as we were called to do. We weren't meant to live this life alone/in isolation.

Thank you and I love you to everyone that has reached out to me over the past several months just to send prayers and encouragement. It means more than you know. 😊❤️